to be honest, this move has been quite challenging

but I'm not backing up!

I don’t feel like I am came “back” to Japan, but rather a feeling of “immigrating” to Japan.

What's difficult is not physical strength or financial matters,

it's the mental aspect.

How to deal with this indescribable sense of loss.

In my 51 years of life, I have experienced various kinds of feelings of loss. Pets, parents, relatives, friends' deaths, parting with the piano, and more.

The feelings of loss I've experienced before come on their own, and I know I can never get them back what I lost, so I have to accept the loss and move forward.

And the sense of loss I'm feeling now is as if I've lost something I haven't actually lost.

It's there, but it's not.

My loving husband is there, but not here.

My beloved dog is there, but not here.

My established status through Reiki was there, but not here.

Dear old friends in Canada are there, but not here.

If I were to go and get them, they would be there.

The option to go back and retrieve them exists.

However, for now, going back to retrieve them is not my choice.

I am experiencing a sense of loss I've never felt before.

At first, I even thought

"I wonder what I've done. To willingly plunge into something so painful. I might be making a huge mistake. Maybe I'm insane,"

Losing what I had, not having it taken away, not failing and losing it, but I chose to step away myself, yet knowing I can have it again if I choose.

Losing success. Not having it taken away, not failing, not making a mistake, but switching it myself, resetting to zero.

Leaving a place of comfort to create a place of comfort.

Leaving a place that nurtured growth to grow further.

Letting go of achieved goals to pursue envisioned goals.

This kind of loss with choices, or intentionally letting go, might actually be a more challenging hurdle than loss through death, which lacks choices. I think.

Why did I choose this?

Because I was immersed in happiness, and before challenges could be assigned from the outside, I created my own challenges. That's one of the many reasons.

I've come to understand a little bit of the feelings of single mothers.

Because I'm living with my child now.

I really, really admire how hard single parents work, physically and mentally to keep children happy.

I've come to understand a little bit of the feelings of separation from a partner through divorce.

Because we're living apart now.

It must take a huge courage and a loss for a couple to make the decision.

I've come to understand a little bit of the feelings of solitude and uncertainty in the midst of solo journey.

I think it's really, really daunting. I want to tell the solo traveller, "Come and stay with me."

I've come to understand a little bit of the feelings of those who lost everything in disasters, how difficult it must have been for them, how they must have struggled and how did they get over it. Just a little, but I understand now.

I want to become someone who can support those who feel vulnerable.

Because I'm currently being supported, and I'm truly grateful.

I want to become someone who can tell people with dreams and goals,

“Go for it! You got this! Take it step by step, it's okay to rest, it's okay to crouch, but look ahead,"

because I understand how empowering those words can be.

Thank you to everyone, thank you.

The adventure comes with not just excitement.

There are lonely days like that,

I wanted future me to remember that feeling,

so I wrote it down honestly.

That's the story for today.