A new bereavement support group
starting up in Chilliwack this month is specifically to help those touched by
suicide of a loved one.
One of the group facilitators, Joan
Noel, lost her 29-year-old twin son, Dylan, to suicide in 2009.
"After my son died I had so many
unanswered questions and so much guilt," she told The Progress.
"It is the most horrific thing I
have ever tried to deal with and I knew I needed to talk to someone."
In her grief, she reached out to the
Chilliwack Hospice Society at first and attended a support group for
those suffering the loss of a loved one. But still she had a burning need to
share with others who had experienced the unique agony of losing someone who
took their own life.
The grieving mother tried to find one
nearby, but the closest group met in Surrey. She attended to a few meetings and
was wholly transformed by the experience from the beginning.
"Suicide is such a hush-hush
subject," she said. "No one wants to talk about it."
In fact, it happens more than one would
imagine.
"I didn't know that it happened so
much in our communities, until it happened in my life."
No one wants to see their friends and
family suffer further, so they tend to keep mum. But it turns out, sharing
with others in a similar situation seems to lighten the load.
"For me I needed to talk about it,
to try to understand why he would do such a thing. I remember for months
after my son died, I kept going over the last few days of his life. Trying to
figure out what led to his decision.
"I felt like a detective, going
over ever little bit of information hoping to find a answer. I shared this at
the support group in Surrey and another lady said she had done the same
thing."
Suddenly it clicked.
"I could relate to so many of the
people's stories. Everyone's story was different, but I found that I connected
to everyone there in one way or another," Noel said. "I learned so
much from this support group."
It was a real education, too in the
very basics of mental illness.
"I thought if you had mental
illness you heard voices in your head and had no control over your actions. I
have since learned there are many forms of mental illness, like anxiety and
depression."
Hospice program director Lucy Fraser
noted there is still a societal stigma attached to suicide deaths, that doesn't
really exist otherwise, like in the case of a death by cancer or heart
disease.It can even impede people from seeking out that much-needed support.
"The stigma isn't even the biggest
thing. It's the unanswered questions.
"When a family member ends their
own life, the family is left with so many questions. What did we miss? What could
we have done differently? Why didn't we notice?"
It's emotional pain heaped on top of
pain, in layers, Fraser said.
Noel said she went through that exact
process.
"For the longest time I was
looking for a note from my son. But I never got that."
He did text a friend to say that he
just couldn't live with the pain any longer.
"I did not know how much pain he
was in, I just thought it was all normal life hurtles."
Noel decided to take decisive action to
help assuage that pain. She called the Chilliwack Mental Health Centre to see
if they could help her get a support
group going here. She met social worker Denise Armstrong, who is the Mental Health
Liaison to the RCMP, and they got the ball rolling.
Now the group is about to get started
in Chilliwack.
"I think this group will be very
important. It helped me tremendously to have that support, although support
groups aren't for everyone."
Everyone's story is different. But Noel
said was pleased to discover that it lessens the pain to share, and benefits her
to help other people and hear their stories.
"It gets people talking. You can
relate and you say, 'Ok, I don't feel so bad now.'
"The pain never really goes away.
It pops up daily.
"But I found the more you share
your story, the less it weighs you down."
Now the Chilliwack Suicide Bereavement
Support Group is set to start shortly, and it will run for eight weeks, every
Thursday night from 6 p.m. to 9 p.m. at the Hospice headquarters on Hodgins
Avenue.
For more details call 604-795-4660.
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