40 years old

40years old.

It has been over a month since I turned 40, and it is a big surprise to me that I am 40. 


I don't know which is correct to say "I live that long?" or "I'm only 40." 

For me, turning 40 is a big matter as I grew up listening that my dad passed away 
when he was 39.  I grew up believing 39 years old is "old enough to die".


I did not really understand what was death, but I knew my family structure was 
different than other family. 




Anyways, there is a little story.




I remember when I was young, my mom would tell me she is 35years old whenever
I asked her age.  


One day, I brought back a paper work from school that my mom had to fill up
all the information about her. Full name, address, phone number, medical history, 
date of birth and of course the actual age.


She wrote down "42".


I said to her, "No mom, you said you are 35."


She said to me "Mari-chan, I am actually 42."


I said "But,,, but,,,, you said you were 35, why the age jumped so much?"


She said "Sorry that I confused you, but I am actually 42."

I bursted into crying.

 I said, "Nooooooooo !  You are old!  Are you going to die soon?"

Even though I did not really understand about a death, I knew death is
something like "disappearing" and I was scared that my mom would disappear, too.




When I found out that she was actually 42, I was really shocked that she was older 
than my father's age. I tried to figure out that what if she lives so long and 
what if she ever meets my father again, she would be so old and my father wouldn't recognize her.




My mom was the super optimistic person, and she would joke around with me,
"O,K,,, what should we do then!  Should I disguise to look young?"
and she would joke around with her friends
"When I told Mari my actual age, she bursted into cry~! She thinks I'm really old!"


But in my head,

"But mom, I am serious."

I was quite slow when I was young, and usually my mom did not take my serious
conversation seriously. She would usually say
"Oh, you were dreaming again."
"Oh, you are so creative!"




Once I had a high fever while a visit to my grand father, and resting by myself 
in his living room. I was watching Olympic game, and caught the moment of
Japan gained a gold medal in swimming!!


I got up with my high fever to tell that Japan got a gold medal to the relatives 
who were having a dinner gathering across the street.
My mom said,
"Mari-chan, were you dreaming again?"
That time, I said, "No it wasn't a dream, its real!"
They finally believed me when they saw the TV news later on.  




Anyways, return to the story.




Later in my life, my sister turned 39, and I was worried that she might
not make it through.


Then my brother in law turned 39, and I was worried that he might not
make it through.


Then my husband turned 39, and I was worried that he might not make
it through.


Then my other sister turned 39, and I was really worried that she might not
make it through.


Then I turned 39, then turned 40.

I thought in my head

"Well, that was easy."

People say 39 years old is young, but I really did not understand until
I actually turned 39.




I finally understand with my 'body' that 39 years old is actually "too young to die." 
I also finally understand with my 'soul' that it does not matter how long you live, 
it is about how you live.




I read books about life and death, I read inspirational quotes etc.  I thought I understood
the meaning behind it.  But I realized that if I'm only understanding with my
'mind', I am not understanding completely.




The true understanding is that when I understand with my "soul".






39years is a short life as a father of 3 small daughters. But my father's role has been continuing after 35years as he taught me the important teaching that he might not have been able to teach if he is alive.

It is not about how long you live, 

but how you live.

The longer we live, the more we tend to accumulate ego. We tend to look
down on younger people, because of the ego of being better.


In fact, the teaching of Reiki, we suppose to peel off the negative emotions 
layers after layers. That means, the longer we live, the less ego we should have.

The less ego we have, the better the world would be.

I think, this makes sense.